Goodness, look what you’ve gone and got yourself into. Didn’t your mother warn you about people like us? Or were you too busy peeling the labels off the medicine bottles to notice what she was saying about roller coasters (you’ll die in a twisted bloody wreck of bloody twisted carnies!), motorcycles (the same as before, minus the carnies!), and people who send you letters that tap into your desire for attention, affection, and flattery (they just want something from you!).

Your mother was right, but it’s just our luck you don’t pay much attention to people who want to keep you from harm. Which brings us to why we’re talking right now. Will you get into our van and help us find our lost puppy?

Why games?

If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

I’m confused.

Sure you are. These are not table quiz games. These are not board games. And we are not LARPers. We’re something between benign (sometimes) dictators running you through drills, and producers of Alternate Reality Games (which we will also be running in 2010). You can Google all you want, but no internet billionaire can help you now.

Ok, now I’m scared.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

There are puzzles, handicaps, and there’s a time constraint. Scoring is based on strategy, creativity and cunning, not knowledge. It’s more Postmodern Pictionary than Trivial Pursuit. You’ll just have to come and see.

The games are in three rounds. The first round is a fairly innocuous one. No one hits anyone else. Everyone is smiling at the other teams, and looking forward to fair competition, and a job well done. There are very few tears, if any. The second round is a little more competitive. The rules get kind of complicated. You might be asked to swap team members for the sake of refereeing, and you might start to get a little nervous. Your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend on the other side of the room is on a team that is beating you. This just can’t be happening. Oh my god, is there no mercy?

After the third round of stories comes the Berserker Round, where things get complicated, less bloodless. This is ground zero for grudges. The bell sounds (like this: “Ding ding ding ding!”). The results are calculated. Prizes are awarded, fists are pumped, egos are bruised, and ongoing rivalries are brought into the world, kicking and cursing like the horse you came in on. That’s how we roll. Is your dignity intact? If you gave the games your all, it sure won’t be. And what were you doing bringing that here in the first place? It’s like wearing white trousers to a Michael Jackson seance. Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Whatever. I’ll just cheat.

Fine. Just read this first.

The rules are deliberately complicated. The games are not easy to win, and because scoring is based on creativity and strategy, you won’t be able to call on your friends at home for help. We believe and you’ll agree that it isn’t cheating if you don’t get caught, but if you’re crap at cheating you deserve swift justice. If you’re caught cheating, you’ll take a penance from the Penance Box, which will either involve punishment for you alone, or will collectively punish your whole team. We reserve the right to rig the box.

We feel we must also add the following: tests have shown that playing fairly is contraindicated. While winning at Chaos Thaoghaire’s games is is possible in theory (as long as you are really good at gambling, which will also be necessary), it has never been observed in either a laboratory or real-Chaos setting.

I love games! I’m amazing at games! I will kick all your asses and then hand them to you and then kick them again while you’re standing there, mouth agape, holding them! What do I need to do to get in on the games?

First you need to form a team of between three and six victory-hungry, glory-seeking attention whores. You can register in advance with us, being sure to include all your names. The best teams will include both a real stickler for the rules (these people are good at keeping track of the deliberately complicated rules) and a brilliant and shameless cheater who never gets caught (because, duh). You will also need an unrepentant gambler. Trust us.

Do I need to bring a team? My friends say I’m a sore winner/loser, and don’t want to witness what happens to me in the heat of competition.

If, for whatever reason, you don’t have between two and five friends, well, crikey, you must be a real laugh riot, eh? We put teams together on the night, since a lot of people do come on their own or with only one other person for protection. Teams, if you’ve got room, please consider taking on a spare part. He or she could be your key to victory, or could be the powerful solvent that erodes the glue that otherwise holds your team together. Only time or the Berserker Round will tell.

We hope that someday we can be responsible for some marriages or otherwise long-term cohabiting relationships, and I have been instructed to remind you that we are empowered to perform civil marriages, although such unions are valid only at Chaos Thaoghaire events. But if you do meet the love of your life when your hands touch in the Penance Box, please let us know so that we can take credit for it.

I’m terrible at games! Why would you do this to people? What’s your problem? I hate this game. I’m telling my mom you said a bad word, and then she’s going to tell your parents and they’re gonna ground you with no Christmas.

Whatever. Loser says what?

What?

Thought so.